Sunday, December 30, 2007
However, the result of these girlish dreams is that I have worked hard to find an ordinary life. In the meantime, my children haven't built the same times of life experiences that I have. They've never been chased by wild horses ;). They have flown in little airplanes, received handmade wooden toys from inmates in a Salem prison, ridden all sorts of horses both English and Western, seen alien space ships flying in the Gorge, made snowmen with my 70-something-year-old grandma, among other wonderful experiences.
This morning I was reminiscing about old times (it started yesterday with my grandma at my dad's house). I realized that regardless of our financial status, time constraints, and other ordinary concerns, I need to continue to help my children find the extraordinary in ordinary life. In 20 years I hope they look back on our ordinary life and are able to see the beautiful extraordinary moments. Even if they only think of the geese flying overhead as something beautiful and rare (our "pet" geese, a flock of over 100 that we love), I hope they know just how hard I've tried to provide them with an extraordinary life with the stability of the ordinary.
Life is beautiful!
Again, I exercised today, so that's good!
The visit with my dad was great, which made it easier to not over eat (I tend to overeat when stressed). And the visit with our friends was great! He sure makes a mean spaghetti, and we saw the latest Harry Potter movie. WOW!
Tomorrow my goal is to stay within points, and not use any flex points at all. Seems simple enough!
Happy Last Sunday of 2008!
Friday, December 28, 2007
I'm nervous about going to dads. He's not the easiest person to get along with. Oh, well, I'm a grown-up, we'll leave if it gets weird.
I blew it with lunch...a Burgerville chocolate peppermint milkshake-18 pts!!! EEEK!
The rest of the day was fine, but now I'm hungry and no points left...I need something, guess I'll just go WAY over instead of a bit over.
However, I exercised again today, so thats good! I didn't do the high intensity today, because I'm pretty sore from yesterday. Thats ok, something is better than nothing.
I still have flex points for the week. Tomorrow is going to be another "blow it" day, lunch at dads and dinner at a friends (our last Christmas flings).
One day at a time, thats how I've gotta live. It will be ok.
I'm a bit stiff today from exercising, but that is good because it means it is working!!! So after work today I'll exercise again. I went over points again yesterday by only 2.6. I still have 25 Flex points left for the week (my week started Wed), so that isn't too bad I dont' think.
Today I'm feeling better about this, more in control, and more optimistic! The thought of where I will be in a couple weeks keeps me going!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Still feeling a bit wimpy, some low blood sugar episodes but I'm pushing myself through it. Got my work done, going to exercise in a bit.
I CAN do this!
My coffee used 3 points all by itself, so today I put some soymilk in it (1.5 points) so I'm getting half a milk serving instead of coffee creamer with no redeaming nutritional value. It doesn't taste as good.
I was hungry all day yesterday. I'm tired of being hungry already, but know that I need to give it time.
I also rather enjoyed the exercise DVD, (its an old FastTrack WW one). I did all light intensity, my hips and knees hurt. I will take some ibuporphin first this time.
End of the day...
I exercised, and have kept mostly on track. I think I'm doing really well. Not quite so whiney about being hungry (full tummy right now, so no whines :) ).
One day at a time!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Time to restart, that's what I think. MIL gave me her Weight Watchers stuff. I can't get the Total Mom Makeover book until Jan 8th or so (financial aid check). A bunch of us have been talking about doing this program, it helps with the bod, the house, and the lifestyle.
At this point counting is kind of fun, just the same way that frugal shopping is fun. However, it is very eye opening. Yesterday, I'd hit my max points (28) before we even got to dinner!!!! Today, after my coffee and oatmeal I'm already at 7 points! Last night in bed I was hungry (we ate an early dinner) and I just thought "determination" and went to sleep. I can do it...I think!
This is harder than I thought. Its 3 o'clock and I only have 8 points left. One serving of dinner is 5 points. 28 points spends faster than I thought! I've bought several veggies, and am considering making that veggie soup recipe then freezing it into individual tupperware containers. Its zero points and then any time I'm hungry I can have a bowl of that for "free".
There have been times that I've been hungry and almost dizzy today. I normally have problems with low blood sugar, so this is no surprise.
Way back when I worked at this other office job (almost 2 years ago now) there was a lady who was a lifetime member of WW. She was always talking about "the perfect bite" and I can understand now why that 1 bite was oh so important.
I keep telling myself this is a lifestyle change, and its worth it to stave off diabetes (strong family history) and help the arthritis in my knees (I'm only 30!). I haven't blown it today, I can do this, I can still have some more carrots or an orange. It will be ok!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Taterbug had a friend over the other night, and his blankey got left here. I left a message for his mom, but I know they are busy this weekend. Unfortunately, I can't deliver said blanket as my car will not start! They've gone 2 nights without it already, but I know how Ladybug does without her Miss Teddy...not so well.
Hubby has a pillow he prefers to sleep and cuddle with, Taterbug has a certain blanket...
Why and how do we get comfort from a certain object? It's just an object...and yet we love it! It doesn't hurt anything, as most of the people I know prefer people over their specific object, but still want it.
Psychologists probably have some technical clinical name they call this. That's fine. I'll sit here enjoying my new yummy lotion and fuzzy socks...
Tonight we opened a few gifts, tomorrow the kids will open the rest and there will be stockings! Santa is coming early this year. Usually we spend Christmas Eve at moms, then Christmas Day at hubby's parents, finally we rush home to open our gifts and end up with a very messy living room. Some time in between I try to fill the stockings so they are ready and waiting late Christmas Day. This routine generally leaves me feeling hurried and exhausted. I may still be tired, but at least we'll come home to a tranquil home.
Its been a beautiful day, even though the car broke down (starter)!
Happy Solstice & Merry Christmas
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
What am I thankful for (not necessarily in the correct order!):
- A roof over my head
- A washing machine to wash my clothes (its going right now!) rather than a washboard
- My wonderful family
- Knowing that if I were to become pregnant accidentally it wouldn't be the end of the world (unlike Jamie Spears, Brittney's little sister, preggers at 16 with a 19 year old, assuming deadbeat, boyfriend)
- Having extra sheets and towels to pile under the boy
- My warm fuzzy blanket
- This wonderful computer
- The bathtub, where we are headed now...
- The applejuice in Tater's cup
- I'm sure there are more, but now we are off to the tub...
Midnight, I'm barely starting to doze, I see the hall bathroom light come on. "Mooooommmm...."
And he's vomiting again. How long have we been without a tummy bug? Like 3 days?
I have now soaked every light switch in the house in ammonia, laundry in the wash (extra rinse please), boy on the couch (couch covered in towels and a sheet, boy with the bucket), and I need sleep. Now he'll miss out on the Christmas events for his classroom, too. Ugh, he's going to be very upset.
We'll be wishing for a tummy-bug-free-Wednesday. Please join me, because I suspect that if this goes on too long I won't keep him out of the hospital. His little body can't handle this assault too soon after the other one.
One more sip of apple juice for mama...
Friday, December 14, 2007
First Prize-Basket of self care goodies, foot bath, socks, candy, wine topper
Second prize-pink glass candle lamp
Third prize-dragon fly small stained glass thing and Christmas socks
carrots & celery w/ranch
nuts & candy
To buy-Candle holders from IKEA
carrots and nuts
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tonight is Taterbugs Christmas Concert-his first ever. And the Boy Scout meeting, and the Girl Scout meeting. We have had enough stress already the last couple weeks, so we will skip scouts, sadly, and just go to the concert. Stress makes us sick, so we'll just do the easiest stuff and come home and have cookies and cocoa. My cocoa might even be spiked by that point...
Taterbug says,"Mom, we aren't supposed to be there at 7 o'clock, we are supposed to be there at 6-something-something." Mom says,"Did you bring me a paper that says what time?" He says,"Nope no paper, we were supposed to remember and tell you!" Helpfull, kiddo, don't you think?
So another crazy week in the works. It is bound to be loads of fun, but in a way, I can't wait until it is over.
~Friday pick up photos from Walgreens and drop off last Christmas cards for mom to mail
~Saturday Camp Discovery in the morning and visit a friend in the afternoon
~Sunday Christmas with Auntie (shop for Secret Santa? and bake a loaf of banana bread as a gift)
~Mon-Tues regular work
~Wed pick up Toys for Kids for work and mandatory meeting at work(long day)
~Thurs Hand out toys at work and Bunco
~Fri hand out toys at work (shorter day!)
~Weekend rest thank goodness!
~Monday Christmas Eve work half day, then visit with mom prior to first big dinner, then stay the night at inlaws
~Christmas Day! Dinner with in-laws...then home....ahhhhh
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Honestly, I went from awful to great in just an hour or two. A couple of Hubby's friends showed up with hot buttered rum batter. I threw some cookies in the oven, and we all sat around and visited. Mostly, they talked shop talk, but they like and respect me, and listed to what I had to say, too.
It was very very nice.
Thanks to the rum, I slept very well! So today I have heart to move on. Plus, Taterbug ate 5 sausages, 2 waffles, 2 glasses of iced tea, half a banana, half a tuna/cheese sandwich, a piece of candy, and a cookie, too, I think. He also bounced on the couch!!! Which is a no-no, but tells me that my boy is back!!!
Thank you all for reading even when I was down! Oh, and I got the beans in the crockpot, so dinner will be ready for me tonight! Just that thought makes me smile today!
Monday, December 10, 2007
We went over the state's income limit by $31 so Ladybug and Taterbug can't get state insurance. I can reapply next month. He needs to see a doctor, he was so weak this morning he could hardly walk, he made it through part of a day of school. Half an hour on the phone with the county...and we have an appointment on Wednesday, same day as my finals. I'll have to work something out, I don't know what.
Then I was told yesterday that I was "full of negative energy". Its all I can do to function right now, ask me next week how I feel, its too bad people can't understand that.
There is this song that I love
Turn me in your spiral press,
'Til my sweet juices flow, Goddess.
The wheel of the year is turning, turning,
Turning into darkness...
(yes, it is not Christian, sorry) but it helps to remind me that darkness is essential, and routine, something the Earth does each year. Maybe darkness of the heart is essential as well.
Others have said it before, and I'll say it again...it is too bad that the "joy of the season" can't be more joyful...
I'm still learning to deal with my husband. It is hard work to move up and away from childhood behaviors and habits. Most of these are negative emotional behaviors. So I'm constantly watching my husband for mood changes and stuff.
This is incredibly exhausting, and I can't tell if it is something I really need to do, or something I do as leftovers from childhood. We tip-toed around my dad because you never knew how he was going to behave. My goal for the next week or so is to watch my own behaviors and try to just walk away when hubby has his grumpy moments.
We'll see how it goes.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
As for decorating the tree, I tend to just put the kids ornaments up. For some reason we have so many ornaments just for the kids that our "little" tree ends up being full before we get to the grown up ornaments. :)
When I moved away to my own home I didn't have any Christmas ornaments, nor any baby pictures. Those are 2 things that I am making sure my kids will get. They will each have a box or 2 of ornaments, and a couple photo albums. I guess once they are gone out of the house I can put as many of my ornaments on the tree as I want!
My MIL says that she wants a flocked tree. This little stand out by their house has all sorts of different colored flocked trees, purple, turqoise, red/white/blue. Loads of fun. I think we will just go for the typical fir tree.
Do you have your tree up yet?
Saturday, December 8, 2007
When I started the blog I thought it would be a sort of diary. However, I've discovered that I can't say the things I always want to say.
I'm not going to let it keep me from blog. Its just an observation! :)
Thursday, December 6, 2007
We had packed for snowy weather, but it was at least 55 everyday we were there! On the way home we hit 67, in December of all things!!!
On the way home Taterbug got sick. Honestly, he was sick up there and we started meds, but things got worse on the way home. We gave him huge doses of albuterol (at the doctor on the phone's instruction) so by the time we got to town and the local ER he was much better. But now he is dealing with a GI bug...so I'm home again today.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
He was a tough old bird, having survived and fought in 2 wars and a Purple Heart in each (WWII and Korea). The last wound was a hip wound and ended his military career. After his second or third unsuccessful hip replacement (resistant staph infection) they removed the hip and left him unable to walk without crutches. And yet he persevered, still continuing to drive his antique fancy sports car, love his dogs, and generally keep as busy as possible.
About a year ago they let us know that he was beginning to be in kidney failure. He nursed his wife of more than 20 years through 11 years of dialysis, and so when diagnosed he determined that dialysis was not on his agenda. A few months ago he had a smaller heart attack and recovered. This heart attack was quick, and there was little suffering. And he is no longer lonely for his long gone wife.
We love you Elton! We'll miss you!
Monday, November 26, 2007
That Miss Maggie sure has started a winner-again! Her clarity of thought and ability to put things into words really impress me with each of her articles.
Humble Pie: Putting Organics Into Perspective
Making Work Easier
Feast & Famine the Pescatarian Pantry
These are all issues that I deal with on a daily basis! The organic thing, I'm working on dealing with it by purchasing from local growers, rather than buying organic. In some cases, veggies are organic, but aren't certified due to the high costs in doing so. I think at some point the real issue will be finding ways to save petroleum costs (not shipping food 3000 miles) rather than organic.
A friend recommended this book "Coming Home to Eat" On this site you can listen to an interview with the author. And an excerpt can be found here. Find out more about Gary.
Also, on my book list is Barbara Kingsolver's "Animal Vegetable Miracle". You can find some yummy recipes on that site!
Really, what the main thing I'm trying to accomplish is the best food, from the local community if possible, for the least price. And don't forget the love put into the food, it adds nourishment as well!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Narcissism in the Bible
The Wit and Humor of Jesus
Saturday, November 24, 2007
1. Look at those huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10.Don't play with your meat.
11.Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12.Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13.I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14.You still have a little bit on your chin.
15.How long will it take after you stick it in?
16.You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17.Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18.That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19.How long do I beat it before it's ready?
However, Ladybug is showing a real inclination to learn "womanly" skills for the first time ever, and really its my responsibility to teach her, right?
So that is my goal for the week, let Ladybug help, and maybe even help her to make biscuits by herself, as that is something she wants to do.
And considering the fact that I forgot the baking powder tonight...they are likely to be better than mine anyway!
For my friend who is getting into canning, a pressure cooker in fabulous shape for $6.
An antique oil lamp that hangs on the wall for $3.
A brass candle holder that hangs on the wall for $4.
An older aluminum muffin tin (the sturdy ones that didn't discolor) for 50cents.
An oak neato rolling pin $2.
A big basket $1.
All of these things are gifts for family and friends, so I'm really excited! It was great for the 4 of us to get out together. Everyone smiled and had a great time!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Today's been a bit of a rough day. Between last night, and today trying to deal with the kids, I'm having a tough time. The kids are being good, they just need a mom, and I'm not one right now. I'm going to get up and try to improve my mood until tonight. What I could really use right now is some time on my own, but that is not going to happen.
Thanks for listening.
Well, today is better. Some of the short-term troubles are resolved, but what of the long-term troubles I do not know. Time will tell, I suppose.
Does anger ever make you cold? Usually, I get hot anger, but my anger today is cold, and blank, and tucked away. It seems to make me feel safer.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
So after a difficult discussion with my husband tonight, I thought I'd see if I could figure it out. If we had to pay someone to come into the home and do what I do every day, how much would we have to pay her? Well, according to this site, my work is worth $91,977. They break it down by job, by hour, and by zip code. So it seems the work that I do around the house is worth it after all.
Now, if only I can convince my husband,
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Many of you know that I've gone by Coyotemist for a long while. When I was a girl I thought it was great fun to howl, at the moon, at the sun, at my brother. I just howled for the fun of it. Somehow, along the way, I lost the love of howling, or forgot that I enjoy it so much. Sometimes I howl with the children, Ladybug and Taterbug think its great fun, too. But you know how adults can be self-conscious...
My plan is this: to become more in touch with the side of myself that sings out loud, and dances even if people are watching, and, of course, howls at the moon. I'd like to continue reflecting on Ms. Este's book. If its not interesting to you, you are welcome to skip over this section...
Part of relearning to love howling is relearning to love myself, regardless of being chubby, having a messy house, messy car, or whatever my self-flagellation of the day is. In fact, I'd really like to get rid of the self-flagellation completely. Want to join me?
I've been thinking how drawn my children are to stories with magic. They definitely prefer Shrek to Disney at this point in their lives. It is quite interesting how the stories that children are told are becoming more and more "politically correct". However, the old stories without the correctness helped to educate children about the real world. I'm not sure that the "new versions" of stories are actually teaching children anything about life the way the old versions did.
In Norse mythology Hel is the goddess of the underworld. The "sin-eaters" (carrion eaters) bring the souls of the dead back to the underworld in their bellies. There, the goddess puts the dead back together again, and shows them how to live backward. Then they become younger and younger until they are reborn and ready to be released back into life. Many of the internet sites about Hel do not reflect this portion of her nature. They do say she is half white and half black, and her bones exist on the outside of her body. But what are bones but the very essence of something. We say "this room has great bones" or "you have good bone structure", what we mean is that there is beauty at the core of something. So wouldn't it make sense, then, that something of the underworld-a genuine being-show us her soul right away, rather than lock it away in some dark place. After all, she already lives in a dark place.
All of this is making me consider my own dark places, and demons that I have locked up in my soul. In my minds eye, the demons become larger and larger, and heavier and heavier, for each day that I do not deal with them. It is often easier to attack something head on, rather than delay and stall while our perception of the difficulty gets larger. While in truth it remains the same size and only takes on more energy drawn from our fear.
Another issue which is interesting to me, that Ms. Este's addresses is predators. We have predators in life, and predators of the psyche. Young children aren't enabled with the tools to recognize these, and young girls can get caught up with someone they believe to be good, but is not. Most everyone knows a story of the young girl who took up with the older man believing "he loves me!!!" (you can hear the vehemence in their voice!). Some part of them must know the truth (why their words are said so strongly).
I do not want my children to be one of those. They already have good instincts (we were at a place that might not be safe at dark, and was uncomfortable during the day) and they said "this place is weird". I told them to remember that feeling and pay attention at other times in their lives. If that old feeling comes back, get out of there.
Bluebeard story Now, I don't agree with the morals that they have come up with, but the story is the same. If you consider that the different characters of the story might be different parts of oneself then you might see how there are parts of ourselves that we send away-the very parts that might save us! Then the vulnerable is left without the strong parts-intuition, the woman with a voice she uses to proclaim her needs not burying them under layers of facade.
My theory is that my baby-aches are as a result of my miscarriages. Losing potential children can make a person grieve, and want to heal that wound. In the last few years I've done a lot of work to move through this grief, or so I thought, and I really thought I'd moved through it.
This friend, though, is very perceptive. She said that sometimes you can think you've walked the whole path of grief (or whatever emotion) but later you realize that you've only taken a step or two. That mama is so smart!
Tonight, I was reading "Women Who Run with the Wolves" and I realized that a desire for a baby can also be a metaphor for wanting to birth something. Now, in my case it may be a desire to birth something creatively, but in what manner or using what materials I do not know. Honestly, I hope I figure it out, because right now, I don't have time for another baby. Maybe in a couple years, but not now.
The world is my slate! I can create myself!
Of course, I'm still a work in progress.
She also sent me home with some of Summer's family sourdough. A loaf is baking in the oven as we speak and it smells delicious. So tomorrow for Thanksgiving I'll take traditional yeast rolls, and my loaf of sourdough with some homemade cheese. I'm thinking of putting garlic and rosemary and whatever other herbs I can find into each of the cheeses.
The sourdough didn't rise as much as yeast dough does, but following these instructions the sponge proofed right up, so I think I did it right!
The cheese is interesting. The flavor has changed over the couple of days since we made it. Its definitely a "farmer cheese", something that you would have on a farm. I have to keep reminding myself its the real deal, there aren't any preservatives (other than natural cultures), corn syrup, or any other artificial ingredients.
The sourdough bread is FAN-TAB-ULOUS! And the cheese (with some yummy herbs and garlic) spread on the bread...well...the result is better than I could hope for. In fact, its almost gourmet! Yay us!
Tomorrow my job is to bring rolls. My favorite are Miss Maggie's "Fred's Favorite Rolls". It looks like if I start them in the morning there will be plenty of time for them to rise!
My back hurts now, so in a bit I'll be off to the bathtub. First I need to change the sheets (I found the flannel-whoo hoo!) and fold another load of laundry!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Honestly, I love Christmas decorations, but really don't like taking them down. There lies my dilemma. Do I really go to town on Christmas decorations and redecorate the normal stuff later? Or do I put some normal stuff up and some holiday stuff up?
It may well be a moot point, as I don't have much free time anyway. I'll let you know what I decide!
Another friend is having a baby, I was thinking of crocheting him a blanket for Christmas (he should be here well before Christmas, anytime from now on).
Otherwise, for everyone else I'm still unsure what I'm doing. Hopefully, I'll get some ideas soon!
Somehow, somewhere along the way I got behind on planning. The thing I discovered is that meal planning takes time set aside specifically for that purpose. And thats a really tough thing for me...finding time.
Cindy would tell me to "Shop at home!" and "Do instead of buy!". It's time for Christmas shopping, and I just keep buying food, even though I have full cupboards (it's a security thang). With the long holiday weekend right upon me, I'm going to sit down and plan out my meals from here to the end of the year. This will be accomplished using just the food in my pantry! Well, I might have to buy some meat, bread, milk, and coffee creamer, but the bulk of our meals should be found in the pantry already. Besides which, I have to use up those 25 pounds of dry beans at some point!
Today I found a new site, OT Exchange. My membership is approved, but I haven't had a chance to rootle around yet.
I'm considering making a weighted vest, maybe one that I can vary the weight so I don't have to make 2. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Summer just flew by this year, and somehow, somewhere, I lost fall. The leaves have fallen, and yet, I still keep looking for the sun. It is Oregon, though, so the rain does fall. I'm trying to be conscious about being grateful for the rain, because those folks in Georgia sure would love some of that rain that I want to complain about!
Anywho, we are going to Mom's for Thanksgiving dinner (turkey, yum!). Then we will have ham (double yum!) with Nana and Papa on Friday. I'm thrilled because my darling 79 year old grandma, my aunt, and my uncle are coming up from the Willamette Valley to have dinner with us. Can't spend enough time with Grandma! Also, Grandma Arlene will be there, too, so we'll have lots of wonderful family time.
What are you having for Turkey Day?