Growth

I realized today that I've changed. Matured. Learned to appreciate things more. Able to give and receive compliments so much easier. Appreciate the little things easier.

What was it that brought these changes? Three years of school? Charlie? Being over 30?

I don't know.

Tonight I got to ride MIL's horse. What a beautiful experience! Difficult, but beautiful. She's done a good job training the horse. It was hard work, though, the horse thought she'd see what she could get away with, and I had to keep working working working to get her to behave.

10 years ago I might have been frustrated that I didn't get it all right. Now, I'm just thrilled to have gotten something right.

Thanks for the lessons. I've needed them.

Weight Loss Day #1

9:00 AM
Time to restart, that's what I think. MIL gave me her Weight Watchers stuff. I can't get the Total Mom Makeover book until Jan 8th or so (financial aid check). A bunch of us have been talking about doing this program, it helps with the bod, the house, and the lifestyle.

At this point counting is kind of fun, just the same way that frugal shopping is fun. However, it is very eye opening. Yesterday, I'd hit my max points (28) before we even got to dinner!!!! Today, after my coffee and oatmeal I'm already at 7 points! Last night in bed I was hungry (we ate an early dinner) and I just thought "determination" and went to sleep. I can do it...I think!

*********************

3:00 PM

This is harder than I thought. Its 3 o'clock and I only have 8 points left. One serving of dinner is 5 points. 28 points spends faster than I thought! I've bought several veggies, and am considering making that veggie soup recipe then freezing it into individual tupperware containers. Its zero points and then any time I'm hungry I can have a bowl of that for "free".
There have been times that I've been hungry and almost dizzy today. I normally have problems with low blood sugar, so this is no surprise.

Way back when I worked at this other office job (almost 2 years ago now) there was a lady who was a lifetime member of WW. She was always talking about "the perfect bite" and I can understand now why that 1 bite was oh so important.

I keep telling myself this is a lifestyle change, and its worth it to stave off diabetes (strong family history) and help the arthritis in my knees (I'm only 30!). I haven't blown it today, I can do this, I can still have some more carrots or an orange. It will be ok!

(Almost) Thankful Thursday

Today while cooking dinner, hubby was keeping me company as he often does. I realized that no matter how hard things are (money, groceries, old cars, no time, etc) there really are people in the world who have it worse. Then tonight (waiting up with sick Taterbug) I was reading and article I photocopied out of a friends magazine earlier today . The article talked about embracing our dark times (not to be confused with depression-a serious condition-which is characterized by more than a week or two of sleep changes, eating changes, changes in sex drive, inability to do normal things, low energy, etc). Sometimes we just need to take care of ourselves by slowing down, letting the dishes rest in the sink, or doing other things you wouldn't normally do. "Thankful Thursday Journals" were mentioned, and I realized what a great idea!

What am I thankful for (not necessarily in the correct order!):

1. A roof over my head
2. A washing machine to wash my clothes (its going right now!) rather than a washboard
3. SOAP!
4. My wonderful family
5. Knowing that if I were to become pregnant accidentally it wouldn't be the end of the world (unlike Jamie Spears, Brittney's little sister, preggers at 16 with a 19 year old, assuming deadbeat, boyfriend)
6. Having extra sheets and towels to pile under the boy
7. My warm fuzzy blanket
8. This wonderful computer
9. The bathtub, where we are headed now...
10. The applejuice in Tater's cup
11. I'm sure there are more, but now we are off to the tub...

Better

What is it about friendship that can give you a boost?

Honestly, I went from awful to great in just an hour or two. A couple of Hubby's friends showed up with hot buttered rum batter. I threw some cookies in the oven, and we all sat around and visited. Mostly, they talked shop talk, but they like and respect me, and listed to what I had to say, too.

It was very very nice.

Thanks to the rum, I slept very well! So today I have heart to move on. Plus, Taterbug ate 5 sausages, 2 waffles, 2 glasses of iced tea, half a banana, half a tuna/cheese sandwich, a piece of candy, and a cookie, too, I think. He also bounced on the couch!!! Which is a no-no, but tells me that my boy is back!!!

Thank you all for reading even when I was down! Oh, and I got the beans in the crockpot, so dinner will be ready for me tonight! Just that thought makes me smile today!

I'm exhausted

Something about the pressure of the holidays, plus the pressure of finals, plus hubby's grandpa's death (and the whirlwind trip to the east), plus the shorter days and more darkness, and other the other stuff...I'm at the end of my rope.

We went over the state's income limit by $31 so Ladybug and Taterbug can't get state insurance. I can reapply next month. He needs to see a doctor, he was so weak this morning he could hardly walk, he made it through part of a day of school. Half an hour on the phone with the county...and we have an appointment on Wednesday, same day as my finals. I'll have to work something out, I don't know what.

Then I was told yesterday that I was "full of negative energy". Its all I can do to function right now, ask me next week how I feel, its too bad people can't understand that.

There is this song that I love


Turn me in your spiral press,
'Til my sweet juices flow, Goddess.
The wheel of the year is turning, turning,
Turning into darkness...

(yes, it is not Christian, sorry) but it helps to remind me that darkness is essential, and routine, something the Earth does each year. Maybe darkness of the heart is essential as well.

Others have said it before, and I'll say it again...it is too bad that the "joy of the season" can't be more joyful...

You Can't be Someone Else's Conscience

Duh!

I'm still learning to deal with my husband. It is hard work to move up and away from childhood behaviors and habits. Most of these are negative emotional behaviors. So I'm constantly watching my husband for mood changes and stuff.

This is incredibly exhausting, and I can't tell if it is something I really need to do, or something I do as leftovers from childhood. We tip-toed around my dad because you never knew how he was going to behave. My goal for the next week or so is to watch my own behaviors and try to just walk away when hubby has his grumpy moments.

We'll see how it goes.

Don't Ya Love Saving Money?!?!

Yesterday, I went to Bi-Mart and found my mom the crockpot for Christmas. Her whole kitchen is stainless, and I found a stainless one with 4 settings and 6 quarts for $15.00! Great deal, as it is normally $30. Then today we went by an estate sale and found some wonderful deals.

For my friend who is getting into canning, a pressure cooker in fabulous shape for $6.

An antique oil lamp that hangs on the wall for $3.

A brass candle holder that hangs on the wall for $4.

An older aluminum muffin tin (the sturdy ones that didn't discolor) for 50cents.

An oak neato rolling pin $2.

A big basket $1.

All of these things are gifts for family and friends, so I'm really excited! It was great for the 4 of us to get out together. Everyone smiled and had a great time!

Sadness

*Friday*
Today's been a bit of a rough day. Between last night, and today trying to deal with the kids, I'm having a tough time. The kids are being good, they just need a mom, and I'm not one right now. I'm going to get up and try to improve my mood until tonight. What I could really use right now is some time on my own, but that is not going to happen.

Thanks for listening.

*Saturday*
Well, today is better. Some of the short-term troubles are resolved, but what of the long-term troubles I do not know. Time will tell, I suppose.

*Saturday Night*

Does anger ever make you cold? Usually, I get hot anger, but my anger today is cold, and blank, and tucked away. It seems to make me feel safer.

Lovely Days

Last month during our work conference I took these pictures out my hotel window. It was nice to get away, even if I was working the whole time!

How Much are You Worth?

Moms work hard, there is no doubt about it, but "does anyone appreciate it" is the big question. Maybe in some households, but in mine, as in some of my friends, then men just don't see clutter and dirt. And it doesn't seem to matter to them. The dirt can be there, or not, the clutter can be there or not. It's no big deal. But it is, and it might be to you, too.

So after a difficult discussion with my husband tonight, I thought I'd see if I could figure it out. If we had to pay someone to come into the home and do what I do every day, how much would we have to pay her? Well, according to this site, my work is worth $91,977. They break it down by job, by hour, and by zip code. So it seems the work that I do around the house is worth it after all.

Now, if only I can convince my husband,

Running With The Wolves

*Wednesday*
Many of you know that I've gone by Coyotemist for a long while. When I was a girl I thought it was great fun to howl, at the moon, at the sun, at my brother. I just howled for the fun of it. Somehow, along the way, I lost the love of howling, or forgot that I enjoy it so much. Sometimes I howl with the children, Ladybug and Taterbug think its great fun, too. But you know how adults can be self-conscious...

My plan is this: to become more in touch with the side of myself that sings out loud, and dances even if people are watching, and, of course, howls at the moon. I'd like to continue reflecting on Ms. Este's book. If its not interesting to you, you are welcome to skip over this section...

Part of relearning to love howling is relearning to love myself, regardless of being chubby, having a messy house, messy car, or whatever my self-flagellation of the day is. In fact, I'd really like to get rid of the self-flagellation completely. Want to join me?

*Saturday*
I've been thinking how drawn my children are to stories with magic. They definitely prefer Shrek to Disney at this point in their lives. It is quite interesting how the stories that children are told are becoming more and more "politically correct". However, the old stories without the correctness helped to educate children about the real world. I'm not sure that the "new versions" of stories are actually teaching children anything about life the way the old versions did.

*Sunday*
In Norse mythology Hel is the goddess of the underworld. The "sin-eaters" (carrion eaters) bring the souls of the dead back to the underworld in their bellies. There, the goddess puts the dead back together again, and shows them how to live backward. Then they become younger and younger until they are reborn and ready to be released back into life. Many of the internet sites about Hel do not reflect this portion of her nature. They do say she is half white and half black, and her bones exist on the outside of her body. But what are bones but the very essence of something. We say "this room has great bones" or "you have good bone structure", what we mean is that there is beauty at the core of something. So wouldn't it make sense, then, that something of the underworld-a genuine being-show us her soul right away, rather than lock it away in some dark place. After all, she already lives in a dark place.

All of this is making me consider my own dark places, and demons that I have locked up in my soul. In my minds eye, the demons become larger and larger, and heavier and heavier, for each day that I do not deal with them. It is often easier to attack something head on, rather than delay and stall while our perception of the difficulty gets larger. While in truth it remains the same size and only takes on more energy drawn from our fear.

Another issue which is interesting to me, that Ms. Este's addresses is predators. We have predators in life, and predators of the psyche. Young children aren't enabled with the tools to recognize these, and young girls can get caught up with someone they believe to be good, but is not. Most everyone knows a story of the young girl who took up with the older man believing "he loves me!!!" (you can hear the vehemence in their voice!). Some part of them must know the truth (why their words are said so strongly).

I do not want my children to be one of those. They already have good instincts (we were at a place that might not be safe at dark, and was uncomfortable during the day) and they said "this place is weird". I told them to remember that feeling and pay attention at other times in their lives. If that old feeling comes back, get out of there.

Bluebeard story Now, I don't agree with the morals that they have come up with, but the story is the same. If you consider that the different characters of the story might be different parts of oneself then you might see how there are parts of ourselves that we send away-the very parts that might save us! Then the vulnerable is left without the strong parts-intuition, the woman with a voice she uses to proclaim her needs not burying them under layers of facade.

Growth

One of my friends is having a baby, very soon. The baby-aches (a desire to have another baby in response to an other's child or pregnancy-my own definition) used to hit me all the time, but now it has been several years since I had an attack. It's not that I am jealous, really, more that I wish I could be experiencing what they are, there is something extremely special and amazing about bringing a new being into the world.

My theory is that my baby-aches are as a result of my miscarriages. Losing potential children can make a person grieve, and want to heal that wound. In the last few years I've done a lot of work to move through this grief, or so I thought, and I really thought I'd moved through it.

This friend, though, is very perceptive. She said that sometimes you can think you've walked the whole path of grief (or whatever emotion) but later you realize that you've only taken a step or two. That mama is so smart!

Tonight, I was reading "Women Who Run with the Wolves" and I realized that a desire for a baby can also be a metaphor for wanting to birth something. Now, in my case it may be a desire to birth something creatively, but in what manner or using what materials I do not know. Honestly, I hope I figure it out, because right now, I don't have time for another baby. Maybe in a couple years, but not now.

The world is my slate! I can create myself!

Of course, I'm still a work in progress.